Hard Reset

I’m really terrible at making time to post here. It’s one of the many things I’m working on. It’s been a hot minute since my last post, and that one was a bit, um, melancholy. I realized upon reflection that I was spiraling just a tad, and that it was time for a hard reset. I usually do these around January and hope that some of it sticks. But I definitely needed a mid-year tune-up. So, I took some time to figure out what was going on and what I needed to do to pick myself up from the muck and mire of wherever my head was.

There’s been a lot of loss this past year. Loss is part of life, of course. But sometimes when it comes in waves like it has, it can really just kick your ass…no matter how strong and defiant you try to be. From losing several friends to ALS and fighting my own battle with the disease, to losing my Dad to pancreatic cancer and finding out that one of my best friends is battling advanced ovarian cancer, it just all started crashing over me. No matter how busy I kept and how much I proclaimed to be “just fine, thanks,” this nagging sadness continued to grow and, man, it was starting to piss me off. I don’t do sad well. I allow myself time for all the feels, but then I like to get back to the business of life, thank you very much.

So, realizing that I was not sleeping (less so than usual anyway), was feeling pretty crappy a lot of the time, and was not my usual joyful, adorable self, I took a day and locked myself up in my room to figure things out. It really wasn’t that much of a mystery. In fact, the answer was pretty clear: this is grief. I’m grieving. The problem was not the grief though, the problem was that I wasn’t acknowledging it. I was fighting it instead of embracing the process and working through it.

Grief isn’t tidy, and it sure as hell isn’t linear. While there’s been a lot to grieve, obviously my father’s death was the toughest one for me. But so many people close to me felt his loss so deeply that I needed to be there for them, and to do that I could not show my own distress, my own sadness. I was so busy proclaiming how lucky we were to have the time that we did and to be able to prepare for the inevitable, that I refused to accept that you can never be prepared for that kind of loss. All the time and preparation in the world will not make the thudding finality of losing someone any easier. And if you try to fight that fact, grief will consume you.

I was so wrong to assume that my grief would shrink over time. It doesn’t so much shrink as it shifts. The heavy shroud can become thinner, light penetrating its initial opacity. Certainly I’ve had some wonderful days with my friends and family since I lost my father. My problem was that when in moments of quiet the grief would creep in, I would fight back and steel myself against it so much that it was doing far more harm than good. There’s no way around loss, you must go through it.

So, I spent the day in my room and I cried and cried and cried and allowed myself to feel the loss for the first time as intensely as I did the day we lost him. And then I hit the reset button. What that looks like for me is basically that I gave myself permission to feel the pain when it came, but to use the tools that I know work for me to work through it instead of fighting it. I also had to change some habits that were becoming destructive and were taking a toll on me physically and emotionally.

First, I needed to get more sleep. I don’t sleep well on a good night, but I wasn’t helping the situation by forcing myself to stay awake until the wee hours of the morning watching Tik Tok or reading or whatever. I was using those things as a distraction because I get frustrated when I struggle to fall asleep. So, I decided to change my routine on a night to see if that helped. I give myself 30-60 minutes to read after I power down for the night. No TV, no phone. Just words on a page. I read until I feel my eyes getting heavy and then I put the book down. Admittedly, a few times I haven’t put the book down so much as it’s fallen on my face when I’ve crossed the line from heavy eyes to unconscious, but I’m generally pretty good about catching myself early enough. After that, I spend some time in prayer and meditation. This certainly isn’t for everyone, but it helps me, and I had gotten out of the habit quite some time ago.

Prayer and meditation is also how I start my day. It’s not a long process, but I notice a difference if I neglect it, so I really try to stick with it. I have a women’s devotional bible that I’ve had for years and that’s what I use morning and evening.

In addition to the morning and night routines, I’ve been trying to stay hydrated more throughout the day, and I’ve been getting outside to get some sun each day. I’m also seeing friends and family a lot and planning some fun activities this summer.

My cousins came down from Maine last week and we celebrated my cousin Maddie’s 14th birthday and Jack’s 16th. Their visits always lift me up so much. I love having them here, and we have several fun events planned over the next couple of months.

I’m also working my way down my 50 Before 50 list, which I obviously need to rename since I turned 50 in March… I got robbed of almost 2 years thanks to Covid so I’m a little behind, and I also need to change a few things and add some others. Two items on that list that I’ve actually already done I am doing again! A group of us are going to see NKOTB in July and I could not be more excited. We had such an amazing time at the last show. (You can read all about that here.) And the fact that I get to go with some of my favorite people on Earth, just makes it that much better. Also, we’re wearing matching shirts, expressing our love for New Kids and maybe raising a little ALS awareness….and matching shirts are just fun. Or dorky. But mostly fun.

In August, Aaron and I are taking our first road trip in 2 years down to New Jersy to see Air Supply. We saw them last year on the Cape and had a blast.

We’ve got a couple of ALS ONE events coming up in July and August, which we’re excited about. I’ll post more about those as they happen. I’m also in the process of planning our 3rd annual Through the Decades Dance Party fundraiser on October 1st through our Rise Against ALS initiative. It’s always so much fun working with my friends and family to plan this event.

Probably the most meaningful project I’m working on right now is one with my friend Cheryl. Soon after she was diagnosed with ovarian cancer, she asked me about helping her write a book. So that’s what we’re doing. Writing has always been cathartic for me, and if I can keep my mind open during this process to the lessons I’ve learned about grief and also the need to take care of ourselves, then I think this could be an amazing experience for both of us. I remember the day Cheryl moved into my neighborhood, just two houses down from me. We were 6 years old, and I can picture it like it was yesterday. That memory sets the scene for the first chapter.

The best part of the process so far is simply that we get to spend time together, reminiscing about the past, lifting each other up in the present, and remaining hopeful about the future. I hope it takes us years to write.